Do you say “yes” when you mean “no” Or feel guilty for taking time for yourself? You might be dealing with the lingering effects of “good girl” or “good boy” conditioning, and you’re definitely not alone.
What Is This Conditioning Anyway?
Many learned that being “good” meant putting others first, never making waves, and keeping our real feelings away. While these lessons came from well-meaning parents and teachers, they can seriously mess with our adult lives.
Here’s what this conditioning often looks like:
- Always apologizing, even when you haven’t done anything wrong
- Struggling to set boundaries because you don’t want to disappoint anyone
- Feeling selfish whenever you prioritize your own needs
- Keeping your opinions to yourself to avoid conflict
- Seeking constant validation from others
The Real Cost of Being “Too Good”
This people-pleasing pattern is exhausting and can hold you back from living authentically. When you’re constantly monitoring yourself to be “good enough,” you lose touch with who you really are.
Many people don’t realize how deeply these patterns run until they notice the symptoms. You might feel resentful in your relationships, burnt out at work, or disconnected from your own desires. That’s your inner self trying to get your attention.
Starting Your Journey to Authenticity
Breaking free from this conditioning takes time and patience. Working with an experienced therapist can help you identify these patterns and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. But there are also things you can start doing today.
Try these practical steps:
- Practice saying “no” to small requests without over-explaining yourself
- Notice when you’re apologizing unnecessarily and catch yourself
- Ask yourself regularly: “What do I want right now?”
- Sit with the discomfort of potentially disappointing someone
- Celebrate moments when you choose yourself without guilt
Your Feelings Are Valid
You need to hear this: you’re allowed to have needs. You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to disagree. These aren’t selfish acts; they’re part of being a whole, authentic person.
The path forward isn’t about becoming rebellious or difficult. It’s about finding balance between caring for others and honoring yourself. It’s about recognizing that being “good” doesn’t mean being invisible.
Moving Forward
Change won’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. Some days you’ll set a boundary and feel empowered. Other days you’ll slip back into old patterns and feel frustrated. That’s all part of the process.
Remember, unlearning decades of conditioning is brave work. Be gentle with yourself as you rediscover yourself beneath all those “shoulds” and “supposed tos.” Your authentic self has been waiting patiently, and they’re worth meeting.
